forever crushing

You know those girls who always have a crush on a guy? I mean, always. They're never without a crush (or two) and it's like they don't know how to just be themselves, without the 'security blanket' of liking someone?

Let me introduce myself, my name is Niki and I'm addicted to crushes.

With the introduction (read: onslaught) of social media, there are so many MORE ways to be hypersensitive and go completely overboard with a crush. Every time I log on my computer I check to see if he (whoever *he* happens to be at that given point in time) has emailed, sent a message, is online to chat or has commented on any of my witty posts that I've put up for the world to see, in hopes that he might see it and comment.

The thing is, he may see "it" (a picture, a status, a note, a blog post, an article I've linked to) and he may even comment on it. Then I think to myself, "he MUST like me because of 'xyz' ". I continuously fall victim to the trait that so many women have: over-analysis, of everything.

Every smile, glance in my direction, 'like' on facebook, friend add, email, action, word said in passing becomes something to be quickly thrown under a microscope to find the hidden meaning.

I guess I can be grateful for one thing: I'm aware of my psychotic over-analysis tendencies. That doesn't mean they stop, but at least in moments of rational thinking I can remind myself that I'm being irrational.

Last week I signed up for online dating. I'm not necessarily opposed to the idea and I have a few close friends who have found their significant others (and in some cases, spouses) online. I wrestled with the idea and for a long time said 'no'. Last week I finally caved and as I sat online tonight, browsing the chat rooms and looking at people's profiles, I thought to myself: "what am I doing? It's a Friday night and I'm hiding behind a computer in hopes of talking to some guy in Tennessee". I logged off and should've gone outside for a walk, but instead wandered over to Facebook where I kept checking the facebook profile of this guy who has recently piqued my interest and kept analyzing every element of his profile. Sometimes, I make myself sick.

I'm logging off of the computer tonight so I can go spend some quality time reading the Bible, saying my prayers and thanking God for this place he has put me, for such a time as this.