Sunday, March 16, 2008

broken hearts

DISCLAIMER: the below is not intended for 'churchy' people. I'm going to write about sex and the church and marriage and young people. You've been warned.

My heart breaks for broken hearts. One thing about facebook is I'm inundated with 'relationship status' changes. While it's sad when people who are in a dating relationship break up, what I'm really talking about is marriage break-ups. I've seen already too many friends and acquaintances get married, have children, and break up. I'm 24, I don't want to see this. I don't want to see this now, and I don't want to see it later.

I know of people who are getting married, who probably shouldn't. I could be wrong, but part of me just screams out "if it's meant to be, it can wait". You're in love? Wonderful, you don't have to get married immediately. I think my mom is right, many young (Christian) people get married today because of the desire to have sex, what an unfortunate situation. Have we made it so taboo that these kids can't even talk about their struggles and get the support they need, so that they instead get married before their ready? Just so they can do it? 

I might be making some of you uncomfortable, deal with it. I'm human too, I understand what it means to want to give yourself completely to someone-but for goodness sake, don't rush into things.

It breaks my heart to get another e-mail from a friend saying 'it just didn't work out' or, 'we were too young, but...' or the kicker 'we love the kid(s), but we just can't make it work'. YOU HAVE're young, these things are hard-don't give up. Even if you don't have kids, don't give up. My mom once shared with me a quote from Ruth Graham, "Divorce, never; Murder, maybe". While that's funny and she obviously would've never killed her husband (or endorse it), I dwell on the first two words. Divorce, never. 

Those of you that are married are probably thinking "if only Niki knew, she's young and single, has never been married and doesn't understand the trials of marriage". You're right, I don't. Which is why I'm second guessing posting this...

I guess all I want to communicate is, love is a choice and not the fuzzy feeling that I've always thought it was. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever even experienced love as a romantic love between two people. Sure I've said I have, but there's a reason I'm still single-I don't think I have it in me, yet.

God, please teach me what it means to love. Help me understand your love for me, and be content in that. In time, I'd like to learn what it means to give myself completely to someone-but I know I'm not ready. 
Please restore these broken hearts that surround me. Teach partners what it means to love each other, demonstrate your love for them. Help them to fight for it.

I'm so sad right now.


  1. I think you're completely right, Niki. Young couples need to at least understand that marriage will not be something perfect, especially from the beginning. From my experience, it's also sad to see people who believe that marriage will solve their problems, or at least somehow get them closer to God... If you're not intimate with God before getting married, there's little chance being tied to another person will increase spiritual intimacy.
    Oh yeah, while I understand the sensitivity which goes along with this subject, I don't think you need a disclaimer... Everyone, whether single or other, should be able to think through this stuff. If they're uncomfortable, all the more need to think about it.

  2. Wow, as your mom, it's wonderful to see that you heard me and remember. I recall very well what I felt as a teen and as a young woman.
    Unless there's abuse most marriages can survive. It takes a while to mature, to work on things and it gets better; if both people are willing to be considered of each other, even change some behaviour that's hurtful or destructive it's possible to make it work. Divorce is always painful. When we get hurt, we get angry, it's important to be loving and forgive!!
    Don't hold grudges, don't take revenge. Sometimes there can be such a wall of hurt and anger that it seems impossible to ever get back to a loving relationship. Take it from one that's lived some of it, nothing is impossible with God.
    XO !!!!!!

  3. this is random and off topic but where ARE you from??

  4. The concept of love is a difficult one. Our society makes us believe that it's something simple that's easy to do and easy to stop doing. But you're right,

    Love is a choice.

    Love isn't about feeling all quivery inside when you see someone.

    It's not about physical connections and sex and that sort of thing.

    It's something that goes deeper, that needs time and I think the longer you're with someone you love, the more you love them, the deeper that love goes.

    I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I just have to say that I'm dealing right now with making that choice to love someone and how hard that is. It's such an important thing, and not to be taken lightly.

    I've given love in the past, perhaps it was too easily done, but when something happens that interferes with that relationship, it's hard to gain back trust in yourself enough to give it away to someone else again.

    But I want to say I Love You and mean it. And to work at it.

    I choose to love him, in spite of how hard it is maybe for me to get over my past choices.

    Goodness. I'm pretty sure we've talked about this in person a few times, so I'm probably just garbling it by trying to comment it.

    But I remember talking to Peter a few years back about love and what it is/what it means. And he said to me then that love is a choice.
    At the time I didn't know what to think of it, whether it was right or not.

    But having loved someone and having that taken away, and now making a conscious effort towards a new, healthy relationship, I see that he's very right, and as are you..

    Love is a choice..

    That was a lot of words to write to just agree with one sentence that you wrote.

    I'm insane or something.

    ♥ fileo ♥

  5. Whups.
    That comment was massive.
    I look like a crazy.
    (and you're right - my comments are often longer than my posts....)

    ps: i have your boots in my car.

  6. Niki, you are so right.
    I know that Jason and I have our struggles, but I know that the Lord will see us through them. Our marriage hasn't been perfect in any way. Lets face it, if there were no hiccups in our marriage how would we learn. We have learned to lean on the Lord, each other, and our friends. We have learned so much more about ourselves, and our family. It can be simple things that throw a wrench into your relationship, such as me going back to work, and Jason staying home with the kids. That hasn't been an easy task for either of us, but we know we can make it through it. We don't see much of each other right now, but we know that in the end, that it is the right thing, and it make the time we do spend together that much more special.
    Love ya girl. Thanks for the great post, and not being afraid to share your feelings!

  7. Wow, looks like you struck a chord with people. And frankly, I think it is perhaps a bit too late to start thinking about all of this sort of stuff when you are already married. Now if we can only start to change how the church in specific and society in general think about love, sex, and marriage.
    It's a start...

  8. Hey Niki: I had to restrict access to my blog because of some personal issues going on at the moment. What is your email? I will send you an invite to add you to my readers list.

  9. When I say 'too late to start thinking about all of this sort of stuff when you are already married", I mean that going into marriage assuming everything will be perfect because 'love conquers all' is a dangerous sort of attitude. Too many people get married without thinking through what it means, and once they are married and troubles come up they have no solid foundation to get them through. That's all I meant.

  10. I totally and completely agree that love is choice and that marriage is NOT something to be entered into lightly or because of sex. The only thing I sort of have to disagree with you on is the concept of waiting to get married after you think you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is hard. Jesse and I did not get married for sex, we got married because we wanted to live together. We wanted to share our lives not just spend parts of our day together. When you find someone that you want to be with, living seperate lives is dang near impossible and I think that most married people would agree with me on that.
    You'll know it too when you find it (and trust me you will).