Sunday, October 23, 2011

He's Just Not That Into You

Today's blog post title is courtesy of a book and movie by the same name.

When I was 22, just freshly broken up with Kyle and heartbroken, my then landlord, Tanya, made me a 'break-up' gift basket. It contained such goodies as chocolate chip cookies, the Bridget Jones Diary movies (1 and 2) and a book titled "He's Just Not That Into You", accompanied with a sweet note about how these items were essential in her dating days when a boy broke her heart. At first I was taken aback by the book enclosed and instead chose to immerse myself in the BJD movies with lots of chocolate (those cookies didn't last long) and tissues. I gave the movies back to Tanya, but held on to the book. I knew I should read it, but wasn't sure I wanted to. What if after all, the book was right?! I couldn't accept that.

Well, 6 years later, I've read the book and bought the accompanying movie and bought into most of what it says. I'm not impressed by the movie - far too much sexual content and I really believe that most messages could be conveyed with a lot more clothes and a lot less vulgarity.

I bring the title up once again because, as is my nature, I've allowed a boy to hurt my heart. When I first started like him it was innocent and so far-fetched that I never dreamed anything would come of it, nor did I imagine that I would allow him to hurt me. My dear, sweet and loving friend, Lauren, knew him and urged me not to get hurt. Especially when after a year of liking him from afar, I took the chance and said something. He wasn't interested. I should've left it at that. Should have. But, of course, I ignored Lauren's warnings and instead of hearing what she said about "well, he's an idiot and if he can't see how wonderful you are, then he doesn't deserve you" and instead continued to like him. Time went on, I put aside my feelings and in fact dated someone else - I began to believe that I never had a chance and so perhaps it was just better to move on. But then my relationship ended and the first person I thought of was him. We began to talk again and he was making more of an effort in our friendship and I foolishly thought he had changed his mind. Ignoring the number one rule I learned from the book was "if he's interested, he will pursue you". He never asked me out, although going for coffee did confuse me. He never made plans for a date, although our late night chats, our phone calls and his willingness to come to events with me confused me some more. Then, a mutual friend of ours confided that he had asked her out. My heart hurt, I felt abandoned, let down and I cried, a lot. She wasn't sure how she felt and so agreed to go on a date with him, telling me she wasn't sure what she thought about it - but knew she had to tell me, knowing how I felt about him. Months went on and my friendship continued with both, and in a weird, confusing way I felt like I was a link in their not-yet-defined relationship. This morning, she told me they made it official.

I'm angry. Hurt. Betrayed. Lonely.

And all along I KNEW, that if he really was interested, he would've pursued me. But instead, I chose to believe the lies that I could somehow make him like me, that if I was just "this" enough, or "that" enough, or if I stopped being so "blank", then he would see how wonderful I was and he would like me.

Well, he doesn't. He likes her and I'm hurting. And it's nobody's fault but my own.

Beyond that, I'm sad because I'm seeing so much heartache around me. Friends who have also been hurt by guys, who are breaking up or having their hearts broken by men they believed they would spend their lives with.

Also, my heart is aching for those who's parents and loved ones have been diagnosed with cancer in this last while. One friend whose mother's cancer has returned, and it's brain cancer. The same type of cancer that just one year ago my dad was diagnosed with. And during congregational prayer, our pastor quoted the verse that saved my dad's life - "uphold them with his righteous right hand". Today my heart has run such a gamut of emotions that I'm not even sure I want to be here.

To top it off, the baby upstairs has been crying during the writing of this whole post and my head is throbbing.

I ache, physically, mentally, spiritually. I'm dry and lonely and so achey. And I know that I should've kept my heart in check, I know that. But I didn't, and now I'm facing the consequences.

edit: I should also add that among the gamut of emotions I have felt, I am happy for those 2 friends who have found each other. Even though I feel hurt, I do think highly of both and think they are an excellent match ... why does my heart torture me so?