Sometimes at work I feel like a little girl who's been battered and bruised and I look around at all these 'big' people and in some I find security and in the face of others, I tremble-because they've doing the battering and bruising, metaphorically speaking of course. Because I'm the youngest and most of my work is done for men who could be my dad, I sometimes have a hard time acting professional. If I get frustrated, I just want to cry or want to be scooped up by one of these grandfatherly-figures and be told everything will be okay, but that's not appropriate office behaviour. It's not that I'm seeking inappropriate attention from any of these that I work with, it's merely that I'm so missing my family and the familiarity of getting a hug from a loved one and being told it's okay and it IS okay to cry when I'm sad.
On Sunday my parents will be celebrating 30 years of marriage and I'm practically on the other side of the country completely unable to fly home and celebrate. I know they're not big into parties, but heck, I AM! and besides this is a milestone that fewer and fewer couples are celebrating and I want to acknowledge that it is very important. My heart breaks for more reasons than I care to share, but Mami and Papi, just know that I wish with all my heart that I could be there and celebrate with you-even if it meant just staying in and eating dinner together. I wish that finances weren't so tight and that flights weren't so expensive and that provinces weren't so distant.
I know it was my choice to move out here and it's not one I regret, I do however occasionally lament the distance and all the hassles associated with it. I wish life were as simple as it was in children's storybooks, click your heels three times and say "there's no place like home"-and poof! If only … Or if I had a horse that would carry me the distance of worlds apart in a matter of days. Although the best option would be to have the freedom to take time off when I want, for as long as I want to go where I want, for any reason I want.
Being a grown-up really isn't all that great. I don't know many adults that relish in these times of bills, responsibility and every-shrinking freedom. As a little girl I used to always say how I never wanted to grow up-I recall singing the Toys 'R Us song, "I don't want to grow up"*, but the song said "I'm a toys 'r us kid", I had no idea what that meant-I don't ever recall being in a Toys 'R Us as a child, we were hardcore Zellers shoppers-and I'm totally okay with that. Thing is, I knew at a young age that I didn't want to grow up-I guess it just looked too intimidating and not very fun.
That all said, being a grown up CAN be fun. I do have the freedom to do what I want, when I want, most of the time-except when work gets in the way. I was spoiled as a child, being to Europe 4 times before my 13th birthday-so as fun as travelling is, that was not one of the lures to adulthood, for me anyways. But there is a freedom in knowing I can have ice cream for dinner … even if I shouldn't, or going to bed at 6:30 at night, or 6:30 in the morning-whichever I prefer. I'm such a party animal … 6:30 pm is a lot more appealing to me than staying up all night. :P Getting involved in different activities, that I choose, is pretty neat too-like possibly serving Christmas dinner ON Christmas Day this year-I would really like to do that, as much as everyone around me says "oh no, you have to be with family"-heck, it really is another day in the calendar and if I'd rather spend it loving others who may not otherwise experience a whole lot of love, is that really such a bad thing? Didn't think so.
So yeah, I'm homesick. I miss my mom and dad, my brothers, my nieces and nephew. My grandfather who passed away in July and my grandma who's out enjoying life over in Switzerland. My Nana in BC who has more life and love in her than a lot of people I encounter day-to-day, and even Papa who, although not a very happy man, lights up like a Christmas tree when my dad tells a funny joke. My Aunt Hazel and Uncle Peter-sweet newlyweds in their second marriage. Auntie Dianne & Uncle Jimmy who always doted on me as a little girl. Claudia & Albert in Switzerland, she takes me in as her own-such a heart of gold. Cousins Esthi & Urs, Susi & Werni, Rita & Walti (did I get that right, with Werni & Walti??!) and Peter & Maya, all who made Switzerland seem a lot less foreign, and all their children who loved me through our mixture of languages. My church home in BC, my camp family in Hope and up in Walkerton, the women from Tamina Therme. Everyone from Bible school. Seriously I just feel very homesick. I don't know where it's come from … Probably this milestone anniversary.
Anyways, time to wrap up. I'm going to go visit some friends and drop off some invitations to a stamping party I'm having next week. Then I might possibly draw up a press release for my fondue party I'm having on Friday of next week. I really don't know how I find time to be homesick when I keep myself so busy.