I'm sitting at home, bored out of my mind, listening to my brother singing to his baby. My brother has a baby and this evokes a number of emotions in me, some of which I am only just beginning to comprehend. Aside from all the excitement and lovey-dovey feelings, I also feel annoyed, angry, irritated and empty. I'm going to try to explain why. Part of those feelings are directed at my brother because he cares and coos for and over his little boy (which he should do), and yet I'm scared to speak to him out of fear that he might lash out at me; I am physically scared of my brother and what he might do to me. So it hurts me that two members of his family, one sister and one son, he can treat so differently.
The other feelings that I feel are directed at God. Why is it that my brother who does not have a job and less than a year shy of thirty and still living at home, gets to have the one thing I want more than anything? Perhaps these are feelings of jealousy, but also of emptiness.
More to come tonight.