"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open" -Chuck Palahniuk
That quote was on my friend's blog today and nothing is more true for me right now. Well, at least the second half, I haven't quite mastered the happiness part; that's going to take a while, because that wound that's been completely cut open will take a little while to heal. I wasn't planning on posting this on here, but after reading that quote it almost seemed like an invitation, besides-this is MY blog where I post MY thoughts and feelings...its my place to vent. Kyle and I broke up tonight. And boy does it hurt. He told me in the morning we needed to talk, I walked to work crying and felt nauseous all day, I knew he was going to break up with me and there was nothing I could do about it. I've known for at least a week that he's been feeling that way and I knew that it was the proper thing to do. I hate that we're not together, but what I hate more is that I know its the right thing. I hate that I'm not supposed to be with him. I hate that it takes taking a chance before discovering the magnitude of that choice. I hate that I can't be with him. I hate that I had such a good time with him that I can't be mad. I hate all these things and yet I still choose to love him. I don't know what to think.
I'm exhausted. I've only slept 2 hours in the last 2 days and I've worked 26 hours. I'm going to try to go to bed, but my mind is racing. I'm so sad, so very sad. I just want something good to happen for once. I wish for so many things...I wish I had a passion to grow deeper with Christ, I wish I didn't love with all I have, I wish I could feel at home somewhere, not like something was always missing, I wish I could have tomorrow off, I wish my stupid landlords weren't so stupid, I wish someone would hurry up and buy the house so I could stop worrying, I wish I had one decent job instead of 2 crappy dead end low paying self esteeming diminishing jobs. I wish I could have joy. Not just happiness, but real deep inside joy, from God. I want to get back to that place of being so in love with God that the whole world could fall away and nothing would matter.
I'm going to go to bed now, praying that God would be the focus of my life and my driving force behind all that I do. I trust in God and know that he does have an amazing plan for my life, read Jeremiah 29:11 (in the Old Testament of the Bible), it's truth, God really does have a plan, one to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me HOPE and a FUTURE! :) Ah, feeling much better.
I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting these feelings online, but please understand this is my place to vent, and hearing back from you is what helps me through things.
In Christ,
Niki
Know we always love you, faith is a journey, with ups and downs, uncertainties, doubt. We can't easily love God on our own, we need His help in that, also remembering His goodness to us and praising God fills us with love and joy. Life isn't always easy, but it'll get better again. Why don't you feel at home anywhere? I think it's because we're here just temporarily and our real home is with God. In the meantime, we're still your family. BIG HUG!!! love Mom
ReplyDeleteI know that all that follows will be really cliche but bare in mind everyone needs a good cliche sometimes. Ok so this is what I think...everyone needs bad times so they appriciate the good. The same goes with guys. You have to know what it feels like to have your heart stomped on and put through a juicer to understand the kind of love that is required to make a relationship work forever. It also makes you appriciate how hard it is to love with all you have and put yourself out to trust someone with everything you got. So you have to go through guys who will decide to tear you heart in a million pieces and you'll even meet those guys who will point and laugh as he's doing it...but remember those horribly painful heart achey moments will only make that perfect guy, and right relationship all the more sweet. (I realize how lame this is really I do but it's 1 am and i just got off work so I blame it on the lack of sleep.)
ReplyDeleteThanks. But I want to clarify, I'm not mad at Kyle, not at all. He's a great friend and this break up couldn't have been any better, weird I'm sure, but I'm happy with the way things went. I'm just sad its over. But I'll never hate HIM.
ReplyDeletehey niki,
ReplyDeleteit's been great to read about your experiences and adventures! God has led you this far and provided you with so much! He does have great plans for you. Being in a place of waiting is hard, but it is here that God is changing and refining you for His plans and purposes. I have thought about you often and will pray for His joy to be oveflowing in your life.
keep trusting God. He is good!
keep writting,
Brad Funston